Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
