So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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