i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
