State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
