I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
