one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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