I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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