I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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