Your face is a jimmy john
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
