there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
