He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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