I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
23 Cringeworthy Responses to “I Love You”
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
These 19 Men’s Fashion Mistakes are Unforgivable, According to Women
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me