theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
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What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
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I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.