oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
