I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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