at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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