Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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