Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize