census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
