Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
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