I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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