i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
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I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
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Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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