I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
