And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
