nutella sex= disaster
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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