I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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