Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I FOUND THE LEGS
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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