Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
