pop tarts are not kleenex
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
