saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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