im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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