life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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