god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
