The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
