I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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