Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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