$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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