somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
