haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
