Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
