shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I need a beard to bite.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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