today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
