so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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