anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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