Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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