Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
A bitchslap is in order.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
