I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
