i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
In other news, I just burned my penis
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
