Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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