I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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