I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
i think my cat just said my name.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
