I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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