morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
