i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
