hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.