his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
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