You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
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He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.