He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
